When life gets me down, and just keeps dragging me further into the vacuous depths of my mind

I wrote most of the this post about a month ago and just filed it away, hoping that it would be the last time that I felt despair to that degree, but hoping isn’t getting, so since it’s one of my reoccurring life patterns, I decided to hit publish on this today.  Maybe releasing it into the universe will bring some answers my way.

I broke down and cried in the shower this morning.  It was not a ladylike weep (go figure), but rather one of those cries that start from the core of your guts and wrack your whole body trying to escape.  I guess it is safe to say that I am feeling sad.

I breathe better here and hide less, but not hiding in a hidden place really doesn't make very much sense, does it?  No, it doesn't, not even in my wonksie mind.

I breathe better here and hide less, but not hiding in a hidden place really doesn’t make very much sense, does it? No, it doesn’t, not even in my wonksie mind.

I am feeling sad, defeated, stressed out, small (not in a good way, like lean thighs and a trim waist way), insignificant, scared, uncertain and insecure.  This is what happens when the pressure is enough to finally beat the happy out me, drive my smile underground and convince me that there is just no point anymore.

And I hate it.  My heart is saying one thing.  My head says another.  My rational thoughts are in the background telling the rest of me to quiet down, ride it out and wait for it to pass.  My emotional side is telling me that it will never pass.  The only thing that will pass is my life.  Wasted, unappreciated and unfulfilled.  No happy fluffy horseshit here today, huh?

Yes, I know that Depression is a liar.  And yes, I know that I have wonderful kids, five of them, any one of whom I would stand in front of a train to protect and save.  I hate my weakness, I miss my strength, I hate self-pity, I love being a mom, I miss liking myself.  I miss feeling like I’m valuable, worth it, important (again, not in a DIVA way, just in a human being way).

When trying to talk yourself out of it, convince yourself out of it, eat yourself out of it, wish, cry, sleep yourself out of it and nothing works, what do you do?  I always have just enough to know that quitting is not an option.  I have not yet sunk so deep that I believe that my kids, family, or the world in general would be better off with me.  And I do not think that I will sink that low.  If history is anything to go by, my tormentor and most abusive lover, Depression, never drags me past that line.  Rather I remain in limbo between the sunshine, smiles, light and love and that dark, lonely, terrifying, almost over-powering asshole, Depression.

Drugs are not the answer for me.  Therapy is not the answer for me.  Pretending just does not work and the more that I eat, the emptier I feel.  The fact that I struggle with these feelings makes me feel like a loser for not being able to think or decide my way back to my version of happy normalcy. Hiding sounds wonderful, but my over-inflated sense of responsibility prevents me from ever really hiding successfully.  It always has.

I hold it together for my kids, I talk to, laugh with, chauffeur and cook for, bathe and read with, kiss, hug , cuddle, tuck in at night, and do all of the million other things that my Mommy genes are programmed to do.  Loving them, loving my husband and my family is what keeps me getting up in every morning but honestly, how pathetically weak must one be to take neglecting the self-care (that is so loudly proclaimed to be essential) to the point of not allowing herself any outlets to recover and recharge her mental and emotional strength?  Great.  Another thing to feel like a loser about.  Yay me.

Christ.  Perhaps I should just declare this month my official pity party gala and be done with it.

You know your shit is in a mess when even you are bored by your own tedious whining.

Anyone else reading this ever feel this way? What do you do to break out of it, or do you just ride it out until the feelings ebb away, knowing full well that the darkness will return in the future and take you down again?

 

4 thoughts on “When life gets me down, and just keeps dragging me further into the vacuous depths of my mind

  1. As I read this, I started to wonder if you were somehow in my head. I feel like you put into words what I can’t alot of times. I do find now, as my kids are grown, when I feel like this I do take some down time for me. Hard to do sometimes, especially if you have a young family. Also having a couple great friends that get it, because they have been there, to vent to. Take care and I hope this passes for you soon. Sending you a hug(cause they always help) Patti

  2. Thank you, Patti! Hugs do always help, that’s one of the wonderful thing about still having young kids in the house, they always want hugs and cuddles. I think it helps me more than it helps them because I’m old enough to cherish each and every hug or snuggle and not take them for granted. I’m glad that you’re able to take some time for yourself now and have some friends that just get it. When my smalls are no longer always , I’ll have to give loves, I’ll need to find another way to feel better when the clouds roll in.

  3. Hello. I am 16 but I can really feel a lot of the things you wrote here. I feel sad for all of us struggling with this shitty thing depression. We can’t give up. Even if it’s all that we want to do. I still believe that some of us can reach a seamingly like state of well being. Just keep hoping. In my therapy I’ve learnt a useful thing. An emotion only lasts 90 seconds in the brain. They sometimes last longer because we make them last. Count up to 90 and it should be better then. I know this is an old post but for everyone out there struggling I hope it helps

    • Thank you Sofia! You are lovely and wise and articulate and you have helped someone (or many someones, I just know it!) by sharing some of what you have learned in therapy.

      And you’re right. We must never, any one of us, ever, ever, ever give up. Depression lies and we can overcome the darkness.

      I am going to try your Count to 90 strategy. Thank you again for sharing that with me <3

      ~A.

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