It’s not that I’m a bad mother

It is just that I am not as good of one as I want to be, unintentionally pretend to be, wish I were and want others to believe that I am. And it is dead easy to set the stage – social media makes it very possible to put your best (fake) self out there for the world to see and admire (or not), compliment, judge, praise or slam. And somehow, I find myself caught up some of this unimportant bullshit posturing all too often.

Because I want people to think that I am a good mom (why do I care? I don’t know, but I do). I want my children to think that I am a good mom and to love me. I want my babies to always remember how hard I worked for them (whether in the home or outside of the home), how good the food I prepared for them tasted, how I was with them every possible moment, how much I loved them. I want them to remember me happy and smiling. I want them to remember the tickles and giggles, the cuddles and kisses. But sometimes I fear that they will remember how grumpy I was, how tired, short-tempered, rushed, sad and defeated I was. And that breaks my heart in ways I have never known my heart to break.

I want to raise happy, well-adjusted, healthy, intelligent, informed, socially and morally responsible, interesting, vibrant people. I want to send my children out into the world feeling confident in his or her ability to handle anything that life throws at him and not accept less than her dream (whatever that may be). I want him to be free to explore our world fearlessly knowing that no matter what, Mum is always in her corner, cheering him on, soothing her wounds and sending him back out to conquer the next round of life.***

I want my beautiful minions to know that as nice as Keswick is and as familiar and safe as it feels for them, it is but one tiny speck on this planet and that their futures and destinies, may not be here, but rather may be best discovered and put to greater use in one of the other specks on the globe. There is so much more to life than Keswick (or any small town), and while I enjoy living here, I have seen more of the world (and one day hope to see even more of it), and I made a conscious choice to live here and raise a family here. I did not land here by birth or accident, but rather by design. And that is what I want for each of them – to craft their lives and not just accept where they are, because it is where they have always been here but rather to make that informed, conscious decision about how and where they want to spend the duration of their lives.

I am finally realizing what other people have always known. That it does not matter clean that I keep this house. It does not matter how much laundry I wash, hang and fold, how many toys I pick up, how much that I jump up and down about uncleaned messes. None of that matters. What matters is RAISING my kids. Turning off the noise of the day and tuning into them, individually and collectively. By CHOOSING to NOT clean up the kitchen after dinner in favour of reading with them, or doing a puzzle together or trying to learn piano together. THOSE are the kind of things that really matter to me, THOSE are the memories that I want them to have when they are grown and gone. Not one of them will look back fondly on all of those hours spent on one electronic device or another, playing this game or that, or seeing me at the kitchen table engrossed in something on my laptop or spending endless hours watching mindless television programming (that quite honestly, I cannot believe passes as children’s/family programming – hello content and language, I’m talking to you! – Different rant for a different post for a different day)

So, it really is not that I am a bad mother, rather it is that I know that I can and want to be a much better mother. Because all five of my babies deserve better than mediocre parenting or examples to follow. I am finally (?maybe?) learning that in life and relationships sometimes LOVE is just not enough, despite our best intentions and desires. That I love is a given. The fact of my love is never in question but while love is a necessary and wonderful first ingredient, there are so many other components that are required to create something eternally strong, memorable and great.

And that is what I want for my life. It is what I want for my children, always.

***Yes, I know that I used the male and female pronouns 
interchangeably. Since I have children of both genders and 
constantly saying 'him or her' or 'his or her' is ugly and 
awkward in a sentence, I decided to alternate the use of 
each pronoun.