2014 in review – This year on The Keswick Blog

This will likely be my last post of the year. A little bit because my house is a complete tip and upside down after Christmas and I need to spend the time pulling everything back together for New Year. But mostly because I’ve successfully (winning!) procrastinated until December 31st. Like a boss. So, because I like to start the New Year with a clean, organized home, today is my last chance to blog in 2014, my last chance to get 2014 right and my first chance to get 2015 right. Shoot for the stars, that’s my motto. Or at least that should be my motto. It sounds so much better than ‘fuck this noise, I’m hiding under my bed with giant peanut butter cups and my iPad.’

So, in 2014, what brought people to the Keswick Blog? Every now and then I like to check out the site’s stats and see what people are searching that brings them to the blog. It’s usually terrifying and disturbing a) what people are searching for on the internet and b) that these searches lead them here. Without further ado, here are my top baker’s dozen of search terms this year (in no particular order):

1) keswick sluts – Nope, wrong blog. You won’t find any sluts here. Ain’t nobody here but us nuns.

2) chickens never wear shoes – I know, right?!? That’s what I tried to tell that guy, fake Steve, but he wasn’t buying it, but this just proves I’m not alone in this belief.

3) pickupfucker – I’m not even sure what this is or what they are looking for so I cannot be sure they that they won’t find it here.

4) snoring ain’t sexy – Yes, yes, I know that. I think it’s wrong, but until we get some big corporate money behind it, nothing will change. Ya’ll have seen that ‘pee happens’ commercial, right? Well, spontaneous peeing didn’t used to be sexy either, but look at it now!

5) keswick lap dancing – Unless lap dancing is happening at one of the handful of bars in Keswick (and I wouldn’t know since I don’t venture out after dark or without at least one minor minion), I think the people looking for lap dancers in the ‘wick will have to find a lap dance the old-fashioned way. Like at a strip club (which, unlike Tim Horton’s shops, I’m pretty sure, Keswick is woefully without).

6) real chickens don’t wear shoes – This is still true. They just don’t. But maybe those poser chickens wear shoes like mad. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for shoe-wearing poultry (real or fake).

7) shut the fuck up im talking – Um. Okay. Dude, you came looking for me, remember? This is my turf. But being that I am the consummate Canadian, I apologize. Sorry, you were saying?

8) am alwayes falure – Now you are too hard on yourself. I’m sure that you are winning at something and that you are not always a failure. Sure, I’ll give you that spelling is not your forte, but I am willing to bet my last stick of butter that you are the shit at tying your shoes.

9) a failure of mother – Not sure if these were searching for a failure of a mother or looking for support for being a failure of a mother. Either way, depending on the day, they may have hit the jackpot here.

10) is june cleaver in sixteen candles – June Cleaver (a.k.a. Barbara Billingsley) was absolutely NOT in Sixteen Candles (1984). However, the incredible Joan Cusack was and Joan sounds a little bit like June, so I get the confusion. You are forgiven. Check out IMDB for the entire cast and crew listing. And while you are at it, get educated on the classic films of the 80’s.

11) dirty granny ass hole – I have no words. Go away. There is nothing for you here.

12) chickens never wear shoes movie – A movie? Did someone say a movie? I smell a colossal blockbuster here. Unless of course the chickens hire hackers and intimidate the studios into never releasing the movie by slowly releasing internal emails that very few people in the world care about. But that could never happen. That would be insane.

13) sometimes i feel like giving up then i realised i have a lot of motherfuckers to prove wrong pictures – You, my friend, yes you. You have found your place on the internet. Welcome to the flock.

And so there you have it. 2014 at The Keswick Blog, in a nutshell. And now I am ready to jump on 2015 like a fat chick on cheesecake at a Weight Watchers meeting and have a great year. I’m still toiling away on my resolutions and goals for 2015. But I already know the first one – to blog like no one is reading. Oh, wait a minute. I may have already nailed that one *grin* Welcome to another year of my stream-of-consciousness blather. Happy New Year!