Now, I’m no saint. Hell, I’m barely teetering on the right side of moral most of the time. But there are a few ‘biggies’ that I just won’t do, never have, never would, no matter how shitfaced blotto I was.
1. Cheat – I can’t believe that anyone still does this. Aside from the immorality of it, the broken trust, broken hearts and shattered families that cheating creates, just think of all of the nasty virus’ and bacterial infections and warts and shit that will be living on or in you. If you want to be with someone else, leave your current partner/spouse/fwb and move on to the next one (only after extensive medical testing. Because, well, ewwww). If, after being, probed, swabbed, poked, and scraped, your intended still wants to get it on, you may have found a keeper. But still, ewwww.
2. Murder somebody – There are days when I think that I could do this but at the end of the day, I just want everyone to BE NICE and GET ALONG. I definitely do not want to hear Kumbaya or anything, but wouldn’t be a pleasant change if people would stop being assholes to one another. If even for only a day?
3. Hit a crack pipe, snort, shoot up or inject any narcotics. This one is pretty self-explanatory, but in case it’s not clear, dope’s for dopes, hugs not drugs, crack is whack, you don’t need drugs to do incredibly stupid things (if that’s your thing) and aside from all of the narcissistic reasons to avoid drugs, from a financial point of view it’s a terrible investment.
4. Wear white jeans – I cannot even count the number of shits that I do not give whether it is before or after Labour Day.
5. Drive under the influence of anything. I won’t even drive if I’m riding a sugar high. I watched the YouTube videos, have seen enough mug shots on TMZ to know that no matter what, one way or another, you’re gonna get busted. And, well, I have my fans to think of.
But, I may be in the minority. Clearly Toronto Mayor Rob Ford believes that being in a “drunken stupor” excuses his crack usage. Um, it’s doesn’t. Straight from the horses’ (ass) mouth: “Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine,” Ford told reporters Tuesday outside his office. “There have been times when I’ve been in a drunken stupor. That’s why I want to see the tape. I want everyone in the city to see this tape. I don’t even recall there being a tape or video. I want to see the state that I was in.” Calling it “crack cocaine” does not make it better than smoking “crack.” A rose by any other name and all that, Mayor McCrackhead.
If it is released, I may watch the video of him smoking crack, just out of morbid curiosity, like I watch Hoarders or Intervention, but I promise you this: when his sex tape hits the market, I will NOT watch it. Even my curiosity is not that morbid. Vivid Video, get your cheque-signing hand ready, because if you thought the Kim K tape made bank, I’ll bet that you ain’t seen nothing until you see how this dude rolls (or this dude’s rolls?). *gag*
I have no sympathy to offer Rob Ford or his brother, but anyone who has an insufferable, selfish, ignorant, racist, drunken crackhead for a dad, like his kids appear to have, my full sympathy. His wife and the majority of voters of Toronto chose him and could choose to quit him, his kids and the rest of us got stuck with him.