If you say ‘Excuse me’ it won’t stink and other sound bytes from my minion army

I may have mentioned this once or twice before, but I love my kids. I may have even given them their own hashtag (or pound sign, as I still insist on thinking of it) – #LoveMySmalls. They say the most profound, funny, thought-provoking and twisted things. I wish that I thought and spoke more like they do – I’d be a sensation, I just know it. I’ve been trying to jot down little exchanges as they occur and these are a few them:

*child farts*
*other child looking disgusted and really pissed off at farter* “UGH! Say excuse me! If you say ‘excuse me’ it won’t STINK!”
I never thought of that. But it makes perfect sense why he would believe that ‘excuse me’ is a natural air freshener. A little bit weird, a little bit genius (although please note, it did not actually work. It still stunk).

*in the car, pondering the weather and the dark clouds looming overhead*
Mas “I think it’s going to rain. A tornado of rain!”
Me: “Um, I don’t think it will. I’m sure the radio report would have mentioned if there was a tornado watch in effect. I think it’s just going to rain soon.”
“Well, they wouldn’t know. THEY aren’t even here, they’re in Toronto or something, so they can’t know what is happening here!”
*Deacon interjects* “Yeah, but Mas, I think that they have satellites in the sky that tell them the weather and stuff.”
*Mas snorts and quips* “Oh, yeah. Yeah. I knew that.”
*Deacon just shakes his head*

Pax – When you grow up, you have to take care of and help the people who helped you when you were little. That’s just the way it is. Right, Mummy?

Pax – Miranda, when you grow up and have a baby, do you hope that it’s a boy?
Miranda – No, why?
Pax – Because boys run faster and are stronger [editted to mention that we will be discussing this one later!], except that they pee straight up in the air when they’re babies
Miranda – Do girls pee when they’re babies?
Pax – I think so. But you have to be happy with whatever baby you get. If it’s a boy or a girl, you just have to be happy with it. Right, Mummy?

One night as I’m serving dinner:
Paxton: Is that chicken from a farm?
Me: Yes.
Paxton: I don’t want to eat chicken that lives on a farm!  I just want to eat regular chicken!

At Superstore in the seafood section and we see lobster tails:
Paxton:  What?!?!? They cut off their tails?  That isn’t nice! *tears welling up*

As we pull up to the US border customs window in Fort Erie:
Miranda:  (loud whisper) Paxie! We’re getting donuts! (clearly thinking it was one of our rare trips through a drive-thru)
Paxton: (louder whisper and a little disgusted at her faux pas) Ugh! No, we’re not Mur-an-da.

*Driving in the car recently*
Deacon: Well, when we have another baby, we’ll…
Me: Um, I don’t think we’re having another baby, honey. Why would you want another baby? We have lots of people already, don’t we?
Deacon: Yeah, but I want a baby. Because then I would have another little brother or sister. And I want another sibling. And I like babies better. That’s why I always want to sit with Miranda. I don’t really get along so good with Paxton.
Mason: I get along with Paxton but not really with Deacon. And ya, babies are so cute and they don’t hurt you, they’re just so soft and cute and stuff.
Miranda: I get along with everyone! And I LOVE BABIES! If we had a baby she would sleep in my room and I would take care of her with Mummy. Right, Mummy?
Me: Guys, I don’t think we’ll be having another baby. But you’re all right, babies are amazing. And all of you guys were amazing babies and now you’re amazing bigger kids, right?
Deacon: Well, yeeeeeahhhh. But I still want another baby. *pouting*

#LoveMySmalls.