Fussy eater making you crazy? Try these and watch the magic happen.

Generally speaking, I won the kid lottery when it comes to eating. For the most part, my kids eat what I make and don’t complain too much. Notice the ‘too’ in that sentence. I mean, sure, Deacon may gag and dry heave at those chunks of tomato in the gorgeous sauce I serve with spaghetti and meatloaf may have the power to turn his sunny mood positively foul and Paxton may burst into tears if his food is so much as kissed by ketchup, but overall, they’re all good and will power through whatever I’m serving.

But, I am also well aware that not all parents are so lucky. So many, no, too many parents have a daily battle on their hand with a picky eater and by the sounds of it, kids today are taking being picky to Olympian heights.

And I’m a helper. And a bit of a foodie. But also kind of an asshole. So I took it upon myself to seek out alternatives that make WHATEVER you are serving suddenly become the best thing ever.

Without further ado, may I suggest:

1. Forget Roadkill cuisine. Try this instead.

Not just any possum in a can. Oh no. This is CREAMED possum in a delectable COON FAT gravy and delicately garnished with sweet potatoes. Yummy.

Not just any possum in a can. Oh no. This is CREAMED possum in a delectable COON FAT gravy and delicately garnished with sweet potatoes. Yummy.

2. He can count by twos and tie his shoes…

Not feeling the possum? Looking for lighter fare on a chilly fall evening? Well, step on over and grab your bowl of Ready-to-Serve REAL TURTLE SOUP. Mmmmm. Franklin. Double Yum!

Not feeling for possum tonight? Or maybe looking for lighter fare on a chilly fall evening? Well, step on up and grab your bowl of Ready-to-Serve REAL TURTLE SOUP. Mmmmm. Franklin. Double Yum!

3. Pasta with an identity crisis with a side of Oh God.

No? Resistant to the possum AND the turtle. Well, fine then. How about a wonderful plate of Tenderoni?

No again? Resistant to the possum AND the turtle? Well, fine then. How about a wonderful plate of Tenderoni and liverwurst? The kids will devour it, everybody loves it and hell, it saves work, worry, time and money. It’s a miracle in a box, really.

4. Chiquita’s outfit isn’t the only thing that’s slammin’ here.

The perfect storm is this. Right here. You've got your fruits, protein, and dairy groups all present and accounted for. That they look like little displaced penises will only make mealtime more jovial.

The perfect storm is this. Right here. Ham Banana Rolls. They give the ham top billing, but really, we all know that the bananas are the star of this show. You’ll be serving your little humans a full serving of fruit, protein, and dairy all in one convenient roll. For good measure, the Chiquita Banana sweetens the deal by adding some prepared mustard to the meal. That the end result looks like little displaced penises will only make mealtime more jovial. I mean, kids love bananas and anything to do with bums and burps. Really, this is a meal primed for hours of dining hilarity.

5. Only if I can follow it up with kidney pie and haggis, please.

I don't know about your house. But around here, we can't get enough of that organ soup. Mmmm. Mmmm. Good. Now, the Libby's isn't quite as good as the Campbell's, but in a pinch, the kids will suck this back like you've just passed them an ice cold beer on a hot summer day. Except, you wouldn't do that. Because that would be wrong. And we all know that. We also know that there is not a kid around who would touch this soup with his brother's mouth.

I don’t know what is a popular go-to meal at your house. But around here, we can’t get enough of animal organ soup. Mmmm, mmmm, sumptuous. Now, the Libby’s isn’t quite as good as the Campbell’s, but in a pinch, the kids will suck this one back like  an icy beer on a hot summer day. Except, we wouldn’t let them do that. Because that would be wrong. And we all know that. And while we’re busy be honest, we also all know that there is not a kid around who would touch this soup with her brother’s mouth and her sister’s stomach.

6. Bodacious breasts and a meal? Oh yes, please!

Now, this one wouldn't normally make any list I would make in relation to kids, except that right at the end of the product description, it saves itself from omission by adding these two little words: "Or Food."

Now, this one wouldn’t normally make any list I would make in relation to kids, except that right at the end of the product description, it saves itself from omission by adding these two little words: “Or Food.” So, I suppose that this is really just an all-around superfood. See, Mom rubs this cream on her chest to irritate the fuck out of her boobs, causing them to swell. This makes Dad happy (which once her boobs hurt, Mom could care less about and actually makes her feel quite stabby, thus leading her to suggest that Dad feck off and go rub some on himself – whether he accepts the challenge will vary from family to family). But the children? Well, the children, sweet and innocent that they are, still must eat. Having used the cream once and suffered the painful, swollen side effects, Mom decides to take Sears up on their claim and feeds it to the family for dinner, possibly spread on Ritz. Because after all, it is “Bust Cream or Food.” Nothing like a plate of trauma pie for dinner.

7. Potatoes? Yes. Fudge? Hell, Yes. This? Oh no.

Ah, feck it. Just bake them a potato (don't worry if they hate potatoes, we have a plan) then crack open your jar of Potato Fudge and drop a big 'ol spoonful all over it.

Ah, feck it. Just bake them a potato (don’t worry if they hate potatoes, we have a plan) then crack open your jar of Potato Fudge and drop a big ‘ol “swirl” all over it. Is it good for them? Who knows. Kraft brought out both chocolate or butterscotch flavours, and in true Kraft fashion, even provide you with a few recipes to choose from. Fudge Nugglets anyone?

8. Enough people enjoyed this enough that it needed to be canned and marketed?

Still crying because your delicious Lasagna casserole is yucky? NO PROBLEM! Just crank open a can of new and improved Buzzard Gizzards (in a cream sauce, of course), and watch the tears fade away. They won't be able to gobble this up fast enough!

Are they still crying because your delicious Lasagna casserole is icky? NO PROBLEM! Just crank open a can of new and improved Buzzard Gizzards (in a cream sauce, of course), and watch their tears fade away. They won’t be able to gobble this up fast enough!

9. Ugh. Oh, and for the record, fish don’t have fingers.

Fish sticks are yucky and make you hide under your chair? Gotcha covered, small human. Sit on up here and dig into your delicious SPAM Sticks. Because nothing says yummy like tinned meat fried up nice and rectangular.

Fish sticks are yucky and make you hide under your chair? Gotcha covered, small human. Sit on up here and dig into your delicious SPAM Sticks. Because nothing says yummy like tinned meat fried up nice and rectangular.

10. Time to lube up those arteries and veins, kids! Have at it!

You know what? Just forget it. Picky eaters are just more determined, have longer stamina and know our weak points. Just throw it all aside and let 'em eat butter. Lots and lots of butter. Because 'butter is slippery' just like these little con artists crying into their broccoli are slippery. They have no idea how good they have it with the meals you're offering up.

Yes. This. Finally. This should solve just about everything. Quit pushing all of those fruits, veggies and whole grains and just let ’em eat butter. Lots and lots of butter. Because ‘butter is slippery.’ Much like these little con artists who crying into their broccoli that they are ‘full and can’t eat anymore’ only to turn around five minutes later and ask for a cookie because they’re “sooooo hungry!”

So, go ahead. Offer up a few of these bad boys and watch your kids beg for your ‘noodle surprise casserole’ or extra cauliflower. Because once they understand that possum and liver soup are on deck, it makes what’s in front of them so much better!

#ParentingWins

I need your advice – how do you handle kids and mealtimes and then, please, remind me why we don’t just eat our young?,

We have six very distinct personalities living under our roof.  Seven if we count the half-feral cat*  who adopted us when we moved into this house, but since her issues are not food-related, I’m going to leave her out of this for now.  Six unique, individual people each with their own likes, dislikes, quirks, spasms, tastes and laughs.  We all tolerate different things in different ways.  Like, for instance, I have about ZERO tolerance for the smell of urine.  It makes me nuts.  It makes my skin crawl and it flicks my “crazy bitch” switch like nothing else.  What is mildly unpleasant for most people, eau de piss is my nemesis.  Miranda isn’t a fan of dogs, no trauma or dog attacks in her short two-year history with us, but she just does not trust 98% of dogs.  Mason does not appreciate getting his hands dirty in many situations – ticks him right off.  Paxton turns into an ornery old man if I touch him with dish-water-wet hands.  Deacon doesn’t like almost any dish that is casserole or stew-like in nature.

Love, love, love them all but man, sometimes I think it would be easier just to eat them!

It did not matter that the pot pie that I made for dinner the other night consisted of EVERY element of Monday’s Thanksgiving dinner (except the cranberry sauce.  Because that would be icky.),  that he ate, enjoyed and cleaned his plate.  Yet, he would not, could not, bring himself to even consider taking a bite of that DELICIOUS (yes, I know it) pot pie.  despite the fact that I KNOW that he was starving.  And I know that he was starving because we went straight to the park after school, skipping after-school snack, then went on to visit the library and by the time we got home and I got dinner on the table it was just after 7:00pm.  Everyone was famished.  But he just would not eat it.  And to make it even worse, he did not like the homemade Red Lobster-esque cheese biscuits I made to go with said pot pie.  Poor Deacon.

The experts say that we are not to offer special menus for our kids when they refuse what we serve.  That “it is the parents job to decide when and where to provide the (healthy) food and the childs job to decide if and how much they will eat.”  And when that decision is nothing?  Well, that just sucks all around.  I know that none of my kids will parish from skipping a few meals (although I would be sure to croak very quickly, because I am delicate and fragile and well usually, just really fucking hungry!  But I digress), it does make me sad to think of any of them going to bed with a rumbling, empty stomach because I chose to make a dinner that I knew he was unlikely to eat (for whatever reason).  So, no special menu.  They suggest I offer alternative – but isn’t that the same fucking thing as a special menu?  Argh.

And then, when a kid does not eat his dinner (using ‘his’ because I have a surplus of boys around here, but it could just as easily be ‘her’), and snack time rolls around (sometimes very quickly after dinner around here because we try to keep bedtime to 8:00pm), and he asks for an apple like his siblings are having, what do I say?  Do I say “No, sorry boy-child.  You choose not to eat your dinner so you may not have anything else to eat tonight.” (Which sound a bit on the punitive side – like I’m punishing him for not eating dinner)  Or do I say “Yes, you may have an apple.” Thinking that this is a separate issue than dinner?  If I let him have a snack am I then sending the message that he’ll still get dessert or snack even if he doesn’t eat his dinner, so he’ll think that dinner is completely optional, can turn his nose up at anything at anytime secure in the knowledge that in half hour or longer, something better will be coming along that he’ll be allowed to eat?

HELP!  I don’t want to force anyone to eat something that is completely unpalatable to them (even if they are WRONG and it’s mother-f’ing scrumptious), but I also don’t want to run a diner out of my house, catering to individual moods, tastes, whims, etc.  I cook healthy meals.  The bonus is that 90% of the time they taste really good and when they don’t I’m the first to admit it and let everyone off the hook and make a killer round of PB&J with a side of fruit and a glass of milk to substitute for a “some crackhead got into my recipe book and changed shit all around so this dish turned out tasting like ass” dinner.

On those days that she just cannot stand to take another bite or sit a second longer…

What do you guys do?  Is it ‘anything goes’ in your house?  Is everyone “allowed” to eat what they like and how much they like?  Or are meals treated like a chore that they have to complete in order to get to the ‘fun’ stuff (snacks, desserts, freedom, etc.)?  When a child gets up from the table to walk around and socialize during a meal, do you give him a warning to stay in his seat and then take his plate on the next offence or do you give endless warnings, chances, and start almost pleading with him to sit down?  What was it like in your house growing up?  Is your house today similar or the same or have you taken a completely different approach?