Oh, he will resist at first. He will try to keep steering you back to his ‘Internet Cleaning’ to get rid of ‘the naked pictures’ on your computer pitch, but do not let him fool you (lest you forget, you like the naked pictures on your computer!). When you politely decline having your internet cleaned (Keep the Internet Dirty – this needs its own advocacy group, stat!), and innocently ask for house cleaning, he may accuse you of being your own daughter, or possibly babysitter (if you have one or more children screaming in the background, perhaps?). Do NOT be swayed. Stick with your house cleaning request. Do NOT acknowledge the identity request. Especially since he’s calling to speak to “Mrs. Husbands-First-Name.” Call your new friend “Steeeeeve,” he likes it.
When he switches gears away from Internet Cleaning to Duct Cleaning, quickly advise him that you are duct-less and ask him the rates for chicken cleaning. Keep it real and do not claim to have more than a handful of the fancy egg layers. Let him tell you about the revolutionary chicken cleaning service he can arrange for you. ‘They’ will shampoo, condition and body spray(um, ewww?) all of your chickens for only $100.00. Make sure to tell him that your chickens don’t need body spray and deodorant, that they are chickens, not hookers. Listen closely while he mulls that over for a second, mutters ‘hooker’ a few times and then launches into how attractive your chickens will be to other chickens and how many more eggs they will lay. Then graciously decline the pro-offered chicken cleaning services. Make sure to let him know that you do not want your chickens sexified, that you’re not looking to open a chicken brothel. Your chickens have dignity and virtue.
He’ll try to sweeten the deal and offer you chicken shoes, that retail for $42 a pair. And chicken clothes because ‘in Canada, the weather means that chickens need clothes.’ And this will be all done, for all of your chickens for $100.00. And they’ll be able to come over and clean the chickens tomorrow. Make sure to tell Steeeeeve that if he can see past all of the naked pictures on his screen, that he should go on the internet and Google ‘chickens’ because you’re pretty sure he’s never actually seen a chicken. And that chickens do not wear $42 shoes, that you don’t even wear $42.00 shoes. And that in any event, you neither want your chickens shod, clothed or deodorized, butthankyouverymuchforyourcall.
As a last ditch effort, he’ll toss out the old “you won’t have to wash your chickens again for TWO YEARS!” pitch. Make sure to scoff at that. Re-suggest that Google search, stat. Act, no, BE indignant at the thought of not cleaning your chickens for two years.
And when the seemingly unflappable Steeeeeve, finally acquiesces, and allows a little giggle escape, smile then. Because you didn’t get annoyed, you didn’t hang up, you didn’t deafen him with your rape whistle for interrupting your favourite show/shower/book. No, YOU were better than that. You, and you alone provided some levity to an otherwise monotonous day for some nice fella in India. He’ll sign off with a “God Bless You, Have a Nice Day.”
And that, people, is what we call, Spreading the Sunshine while Not Losing your Shirt or your Shit. And it’s good karma to put out there. And it didn’t cost you $100 or your credit card information. The cost to you? Six minutes and 46 seconds. (And you get to keep the naked pictures on your computer – WIN!)
You also have the added bonus of knowing that you have provided invaluable chicken awareness to otherwise very misinformed people. Chicken body spray and shoes? KFC is chicken? Pffffuttt!
