A Summer Vacation Update – The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and The Sunnyside

So, we’re about 13 days into this debacle they call Summer Vacation and I thought I would check in to let ya’ll know how we’re doing.  So far, and only what I can remember off the top of my head, we have had:

One case of strep throat

One ear infection

Two cases of stomach flu

Seven fevers

One ‘first’ lost tooth

“Look, Ma! No hands and No Tooth!”

One failed laptop and three years of lost Outlook data, despite regularly backing the mo-fo up and I’m still bitter and pissed about this one, but, as is my nature, I’m looking on the sunnyside of things and can tell you that  my laptop is like greased lightning now without all those silly files gumming up the works.  Shoot me. (Incidently, if you’re reading this and have been expecting or hoping for an email from me, I lost ALL my contacts in the Laptop disaster of 2012, so please email me so I have your email address again?  Thanks!) Now shoot me.

Fifty-seven street brawls in our living room or backyard (involving one or more small)

Thirty-three and a half kicks (none directed at me of course, but still bloody stressful – all this fighting and kicking and shit)

Two BBQ’s – yummy hamburgerbers (said in Pax-ese, of course)

One evening of roasting marshmallows at home - Thank you Mr. KB – everyone always loves this activity and it’s one of the few times that the boys don’t break out into a cage match over a stick.

Three trips to the doctor and/or walk-in clinic (why does my pediatrician have a practice in Thornhill?!?  Oh, right – because he’s the best there is and I’m a spaz.  Dammit)

One hearing test – at a deserted hospital with a bubble head receptionist who could not FIND the number to another department in the same hospital.  I.kid.you.not.  Apparently the suggestion calling the switchboard and being patched through was a brand new idea to her.

One ultrasound (no, not me!!) – But we were late for the appointment thanks to the bubble head at the desk in the Audiology department, so the four smalls and I waited (brawled, whined, cried, rolled around on the filthy floor) for a full half hour waiting for the test.  This is after doing the same thing in Audiology for 45 minutes just prior.  Good times?  I think not.  But the sunnyside that day was that we then got to drive home (from Richmond Hill) in 36 degree Celius heat so all was not lost.

Twenty-two (‘ish) loads of laundry (this is just getting ridiculous, especially considering how few clothes the smalls are wearing these days)

Two new scratches on our van (while parked, I’m guessing).  Motherfucker.  ‘Nuff said.

One car show attendance, in Cambridge (Thanks Lead Kings / Rodding for Reading – a most excellent cause and event!)

Eight sleepless or sleep-interrupted nights (see stomach flu and fever stats). Age doesn’t steal our good looks, our spawn steal our good looks by depriving us of sleep from infancy to adulthood.  Beauty sleep?  Ha!

Forty peanut butter sandwiches or bagels – damned that drought in the Southern States (thanks for the info, Julie!  Funny how these droughts only effect food supply and never, say, opium or other illicit drug growth.  Maybe food farmers need a lesson from the damn drug farmers in how to survive and thrive through all weather conditions?)

Forty homemade juice or yogurt popsicles – Even ones that look like Ring Pops that Ms. Moon adores.

Five cat/kitten scratches (apparently cats just don’t like being worn as hats or spun around really, really fast.  Go figure.)

Six walks to get the mail, mostly bills but quite a few killer free samples and other swag to be found.  Definitely worth the trip to the box.

One trip to the park

One bike ride/walk

and

Two fun-filled water play mornings that ended in tears, recriminations and promises of revenge (and yes, I DO know that I should behave better and be more mature and shit but these kids just don’t play FAIR!)

In Conclusion?

All of this. Gone through, done, handled, arranged, prepared, managed, lived through, call it what you will.  All of it (and yes, Mr. KB was there for some of it, but he as to work at his day job while I work here at mine).  And I haven’t lost a goddamned, shit-tastic OUNCE.  Nevermind even dreaming about misplacing, losing or relocating a whole entire POUND off of my once leaner, never to be seen again waistline.  From hourglass to pint glass.  Would someone please just Shoot Me Already?!?  Of course, it would probably, maybe help if I ‘fessed up to the copious amounts of chocolate and chips I’ve been consuming while having all of this summer fun.  And, now come to find out that apparently I was lied to and whatever you can eat in under 3 minutes really does fucking count.  Great.  It’s a good thing that I embrace my fatness because I’d be fucked if it upset me.

Well, now that I’m good and depressed, I think I’ll go gnaw on a stick of celery and run a few Google searches on how to lose weight and regain your soul.  I knew I shouldn’t have sold it to that bastard for that Kit Kat bar.  Fuckin’ pushers.

Not a happy Miranda, but the look on her face and her body language sums things up nicely for me!

And dare I ask how your summer is going?

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